Dear you-who-is-seeking-counselling,
I wrote this in response to my annoyance while reflecting on the harmful impact of careless and judgmental words by influential people who hold power. But this reflection made me see how the therapy and casework i offer is different from many others in Singapore.
As a social worker for many years, many times, i feel uncomfortable in making certain referrals and recommendations for counselling, or unable to find a suitable local counsellor for them. Many people share their challenges in finding somebody that they feel are supportive to their concerns, or their deliberate efforts to find a counsellor who acknowledges and takes into account their race/gender identity/religious beliefs, history or circumstances. Judgement and blame have no room in the therapeutic relationship and many people would rather go to a secular agency than a religious one. Unfortunately, many organisations stray from the code of ethics and impose societal norms and policies. And instead of identifying the effects of judgment or blame in people’s lives, they replicate these oppressive ways of treating people on the people who consult with them.
A therapeutic relationship upholds concern and safety* for the person who consults a therapist. *This safety does not mean physical safety, but more of an emotional safety and freedom to share all thoughts.
I will list some examples, not to shame, but identify how we as a society or individuals can be accountable for the words and actions for the safety of others.
- Abortion counselling provided by catholic organisations may focus on persuading women who may not have the social support and means to keep the child.
- Some organisations only provide services for adoption to a heterosexual married couple, stating that its selfish and unfair to children when single people have children.
- A counsellor pointing out to a teen that when they were young, they never cut themselves although they were bullied.
- Counsellors dismissing that a person of colour’s experience that they were rejected for a job based on race.
- An experienced counsellor in a religious organisation talking to a person contemplating suicide on the cons of suicide and the impacts of this on their family and their soul.
- An experienced social worker insisting on a person talking about their past traumas when they have made it clear that it is deeply re-traumatising for them.
- Mother blaming.
- Social workers saying that if mothers cared for their children they would leave their partners.
- Workers saying that non-chinese should integrate with other races.
- Common saying that “ you should just learn to cope with it” or “its much better these days”
- A crisis shelter implementing compulsory visits to a place of religious prayer.
I was having a meal while my friends wanted to discuss about anti-gay statements by an influential person in the community. My friends said that LGBT/allies should not judge this particular person’s family because it was over and forgiveness was given, and his current anti-gay statements was not against the people but towards the behaviour. Unfortunately, whatever the intentions were, the influence and power these statements have is powerful compared to the paltry judgements these LGBT/allies have against him. His accommodation, career, esteem, identity, community, livelihood, relationships and needs are not affected by their statements as the reverse on LGBT people.
Kids are teased and isolated for being femme, parents refrain from buying dolls for boys, and close friendships between boys are few and far between. Although the uncloseted LGBT people are just being their gendered/sexual identity, they have made space and continue to fight for spaces for the rest of us, to challenge gender roles, to be gender or sexual fluid, to normalise diverse kinds of relationships for all of us.
So, i know its hard to find a counsellor who understands the oppression or socio-political situation you are in. And i welcome you to contact me. I understand the challenges in holding religious beliefs and other values, principlesand hopes you have for you life. I also get that you live in a white washed society. I also know that some people are drawn to and benefit from counsellors which hold strongly to those religious stances and top down guidance in which there are many organisations you could approach.
I will end this by sharing this lovely post by Pang.